My life is UPSIDE DOWN

Finally being completely honest.

My life is not so pretty anymore, and I love it. I have noticed that over the past years I have been trying to get everything together. Be as aestheticly beautiful as can be, but that did NOT make me happy. Everywhere you find these ‘influencers’ who make you feel like crap, like you need to have everything together. But that is just not life.

Over the last few months I moved out of my parents house. I moved into a building with my best friend. We party a lot. My room is often a mess and focussing on school is hard. During these corona times I find myself struggling to keep up with work and school and I often find myself falling behind. 

I was dating someone, a really good guy. But I decided to break it off because I noticed that we didn’t really fit together. That hurt, it hurt really fucking bad. But it’s okay. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to not be okay. Love isn’t always going to work out. And I believe that every person you meet, leaves something for you to learn. Something that will help you grow. And for me that was the choice of going against my feelings and following my thoughts and knowledge. This is something people don’t talk about. Everyone tells you to follow your feelings, but no one ever tells you to stop and think about wtf you’re doing. I stopped, I thought and I figured out that we just didn’t understand eachother on a deeper level. And that I do want someone to understand me on that level. By taking my time to think, I could break things off before got hurt even more.

My routines are all over the place. Because I live with friends, every night is hang-out night. Which means I am definitely not waking up at 5am to drink lemon water and go for a run during the sunrise. NO. 

I am so much happier now that I’ve been letting go of all that toxic control. I finally feel free and happy to live my life. Life is messy and I have to embrace that happiness.

Now, understand me well. I do not mean that I want to slack on everything and live my life being a fucking mess. But I have learned to embrace the unexpected things in life, embrace that I don’t always feel okay and embrace the fact that it is okay for me to be happy right now in the moment instead of always wanting, working and waiting for better things. I am also not complaining here. I am just telling the honest truth about my life, because I am sick of living a lie. I want everyone who reads this to know the real me. The real me who wears dirty oversized T-shirts, the real me who loves putting her feelings into poetry, the real me who rips her tights every. single. day. The real me who had red wine stains all over her curtains and who can’t live without coffee and powernaps. 

This is the real me. Nice to meet you.

I wish you all the stars,

N

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