Stories of the subconscious mind: 2

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“Please, let me sleep.”

I am in my room. I wake up in the middle of the night and I try and switch on my light. When I switch it on my room is different, completely different. Suddenly people start walking in. My mom, my dad, my brother, but also random people. And one pearticular guy who just keeps staring and smiling.

I get out of bed and follow them around. There is this girl who I haven’t seen her face of. We all walk to the bathroom and the moment I look in the mirror I scream. The girl in front of me, is me, bald. I walk behind her and try to talk to people but no one can hear me. I feel like I am in some kind of alternate reality. I go back to bed.

I close my eyes and try to breathe. I need to wake up, I need to wake up. I start screaming, hoping that my real body makes a noise and people come and help me. But I can’t wake up. It doesn’t work.

We’re in a thriftshop years ago. I have never been here before. I walk around looking for shoes and my brother and dad are sitting by the table. Suddenly I get into a fight with my brother, my dad won’t let me talk and I cry and walk away.

I wake up in my dark changed room again. I try and switch on the lights but it doesn’t work. Then suddenly my family walks in again. But my brother has different parents, my parents have different children, and I have no one. I run onto the hallway and a band is playing. I scream and scream, hoping for anyone to hear me. But the only one who seems to notice me, is the smiling guy.

I go back to bed again. I close my eyes and tell myself that I need to wake up. Wake up Nicky, wake the fuck up. Louder and louder and louder. My heart starts pounding, my voice starts scratching. But still no one listenes.

I open my eyes and wake up in a dark room. I see a blonde guy standing in the corner but fading, fading, fading. Until he is gone. I switch on my light and I am in my normal room. Freaked out. I look at the time and see that all the time that has passed with me sleeping, was just 30 minutes.

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“My brain says ‘move’, but my body says ‘bite me’.

SO, I am writing this now. Freaking myself out just a little more. It is 12:30am and I don’t even know what the fuck just happened. I never had a dream this crazy and I am afraid to go to sleep. I don’t want this ever again.

I did a little digging and found out that I had a combination of sleepparalysis and sleepclaustrophobia. Sleepparalysis is when you feel completely conscious but you can’t move. Often, people see things and it can be really frightning. I think this is what happened at the very end when I saw the man in my room but I couldn’t move until he completely vanished. Sleepclaustrophobia is when you are lucid dreaming (knowing that you are dreaming and trying to control the dream) but can’t wake yourself up. This is what happened when I was dreaming and knowing I was asleep.

Dreaming of unknown men can mean that there is a lot of change in your life. This calls true to me because I am starting uni and a lot of things are changing on personal level. However, the man I encountered in my dream seemed evil to me. I still don’t feel well whenever I think about his expression and the energy he had around him. Like he knew things I didn’t and like he was the person keeping me in the dream. 

My mother had a theory that the evil smiling man was a representation of my control. The week before the dream I had my orientation week and I had to let go of every piece of control and routine. She said that it is possible that I feel haunted by it and that I can feel like it is trying to imprison me.

If you ever have a crazy or creepy dream, make sure to hit me up. Instagram: @nickyknols.

I wish you all the stars,

-N

 

Stories of the subconscious mind: 1

let me take you down into the rabbit hole that is called the subconscious mind

I found myself dreaming, not in silver and gold, but in grey and dark.

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It is night, darkness everywhere. Every single time, I am surrounded by darkness. I feel a stabbing pain coming up in my head. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I can’t seem to fully open my eyes. 

I tell my mother and without saying a word, she drives me to the hospital. It is weird, I haven’t been in this hospital before. Eventhough I have been in the hospital numerous times, not this one. It is dark and I wonder why there are only so few people around. 

We try to enter the hospital, but my mother can’t seem to come with me. A docter walks up to us and grabs my arm. I ask my mother why she can’t come but she simply stares at me. 

The doctor lies me down in a bed, in the middle of the hospital hallway. I can’t understand why here, why the lights don’t seem to work and why oh why there are so few people around?

The doctor walks away and I yell for him to come back and explain what is going to happen. Silence.

A nurse appears and, again, without saying a word she puts a needle into my arm. I ask her what she is doing and what she is giving me. “Just something to relax you, dear.” 

My head starts to get fuzzy and I feel like she gave me a narcose high. I panic, everything looks blurry and the only person around is the nurse. Suddenly the only thing I can see is her. Grabs the side of the bed and looks me in the eye. Then she pushes the bed out of the sudden, with an unknown strength. The bed starts spinning around, I am screaming and she is laughing. At one point I can’t hold on to the bed anymore and fall onto the ground. 

I am alone. The nurse dissapeard, the docter walked away and my mom is outside. The ground is soft and I feel like I am becoming one with it. I close my eyes and feel myself emerging.

The moment I feel I am completely emerged, the wind starsts blowing. Louder and louder and louder. I open my eyes and I am sitting on the back of a motorcycle, holding on for dear life. I don’t know anything about motorcycles, but I definitely knew the guy in front of me was going way too fast. I notice how the motorcycle starts to swing and I feel like he is losing control. I can’t do a thing but hold on tight. And then a crash, and everything dark. Just where it started.

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This dream really shook me up. Last year I have been dealing with mental health issues and some hospital visits. A lot of uncertancy and mixed feelings came along. Because everything happened inside my head, it was very hard for other people to understand. That is why I think I dreamed about the lonelyness. I dealt with a lot of people not understanding me and judging me. It made me feel weak. This is why I think the nurse spun me around. The not-in-control feeling that I have been having for the past year is all this dream is about.

Dreaming about being in a hospital could mean that you or someone in your life needs some kind of healing. It could be physical, mental or even spiritual. This could mean that someone needs help. It can also mean that you need to take more responsibility for own health, instead of expecting other people to cure you.

Dreaming about abandonment can mean that you are not trusting yourself in some way. It can also mean that there are people who need to be more appreciated in your life or that there is something you drasticly need to let go in your life.

This was the second story of the subconscious mind. If you ever have a dream and you want to talk about it, make sure to hit me up. Instagram: @nickyknols.

I wish you all the stars,

-N

Stories of the subconscious mind: the beginning

read and find out the first story of the subconscious mind.

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When the new schoolyear rolls around, we all feel the pressure of the upcoming pressure building up. We can already feel the stress of next year weighting on us, without it actually being here. For me, this is also true. I woke up today feeling absolutely exhausted and drained, eventhough I just uploaded an article on how to have good sleep.. My subconscious is working its ass off and I notice it in my dreams. Whenever something is going on in my subconscious mind, I get very very vivid dreams. They are all very weird but easily to track back to my real life circumstances. When this happens, all of my energy that I am supposed to be gaining during my sleep, goes in to dreaming and I wake up exhausted.

“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality.”

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This is what happend last night. In my dream I lived in a magical community with my family. And in that community everything was safe and no one could die. But at one point I had toleave the community to go to university. I had to move out and I got mortal. I felt out of place and when I went to university, everything was troubled. I couldn’t see clear and there was so much chaos that I paniced. Eventually I went back to the community for a competition that was held in the comunity. I teamed up with my brother and we had to solve all kinds of riddles and puzzlesin the middle of the jungle. Eventhough I was back at the comunity, I was still mortal. We were surrounded by tigers and I was so afraid. My brother didn’t care because he couldn’t die. And then we were saved by Tom Holland as spiderman.

Weird right.

large-5So I thought when I woke up. It has become a ritual of mine to recap my dreams right after I wake up so I can remember them better. But this one has been the weirdest, but also the most clear one in a long time. This one obviously stands for me going to uni next week, moving out next year and everything being unclear, unsure and just plain chaotic.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams, because we are living our fears.”

Now that I think about it, it might be interesting to start a dreamjournal series on this platform. Where whenever I have vivid dreams, I write them out for you and analyse them. I still have TONS of dreams written down.

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So, today I am taking it slow. I am very tired and I find it super hard to keep my mind straight and honestly get anything done. I really wanted to share this with you, because everyone has these days. I didn’t have an intention or a reason when I started writing this article. I just wanted to write, and that is okay.

In the beginning of May this year I had a really intens migraine attack. I don’t want to go into it too much but lets say it completely knocked me down. Ever since then I have been having these dreams. And since then I have started paying more attention to the subconscious mind.

This is a very all over the place article, but I hope you enjoyed it. If you ever have a weird or exciting dream, make sure to let me know because I am very interested in getting to know your dreams, believes and minds.

I wish you all the stars,

-N