What REALLY happened last year…

I am opening up and telling you what was really going on last year. For me, a truly terrifying experience.

Last year, something happened. It was a really scary experience and I am finally ready to share all of it.

About a year ago, I believe it was begin March. I was sitting in my room, working on my laptop. When suddenly I felt like I was under water. For a minute I could not hear. But me being me, I brushed it off for ‘my head just being weird again’. However, after a few minutes I began to see something resembling a lightningbold. It stayed in my left eyes vision and it was really colorful and sparkly. I was not hallucinating as everything else was fine. Until the headaches started. A throbbing headace in the back of my right brain.

I went downstairs to tell my mother, just so someone in the house knew I wasn’t feeling well. She told me to lie down for a minute, so that’s what I did. I laid down in a dark room and tried to sleep a bit. After about 15 minutes my mother walked into my room. “Nicky, it didn’t feel right so I called the doctor, just to be sure. We can go right now.” The doctors office is about a 10 minute walk from our house so we went right away. 

When we arrived at the doctorsoffice we had to wait in the waitingroom for a bit. That’s when everything went south. While I was waiting I noticed that my coat was feeling really weird on my left arm. I decided to try and pinch my left hand and I noticed it was numb. This is when I started panicking. I have my first aid license, so I know that when bodyparts start to go numb, it’s a sign of a stroke. I started to cry and hyperventilate. We rushed to the doctor and she checked me out. While she was doing a check-up, more of my left bodyparts started to go numb. My leg, my eye, my tongue. Believe me, it was VERY strange. That is when the doctor called the ambulance. 

I tried to stay calm. When the ambulance came, I wanted to be strong. It was my first ambulance trip EVER (and I hope my last too). All I could think was “Nicky shut up, if people can survive bombs, I can fucking survive this shit.” After what felt like HOURS we arrived at the hospital. There the neurologist checked me out. And luckily, it was not a stroke. It turned out I had a VERY intens migraine attack. Mind you, I have never had a migraine attack in my life ever before. 

So, seemingly, this is where the story ends. But it sadly did not. 

They told me it could take up to a week to recover from the intens day and the migraine. So, I slept a LOT. But I noticed that after a week, I was not recovering. I kept feeling drained and immensly tired. This frustrated me to the max. I wanted to go back to work and do my thing. After a month, I tried to go back to work. Which resulted in me crying behind the bar because I was about to pass out. I felt like mentally, I was broken. And I didn’t know why. 

After that incident I wen’t back to the doctor again, and to the hospital. They all told me, there was physically nothing wrong with my brain. So, I went to the psychologist. Back in 2012 I had a very traumatic incident at the hospital during a surgery, which resulted in me having controlling issues. I think that the combination of those controlling issues and the complete loss of control over the left side of my body, messed me up a bit. 

All together it took about seven months for me to recover. Something that made the progress really hard for me was that a lot of people did not understand. They told me to stop whining and get myself together. They started diagnosing me and telling me what to do. But I do not blame them. It’s okay that they don’t understand. Because a mental illness is not something you can see. When someone’s leg is broken, everyone sees that they are not okay. A mental illness is like an invisible broken legg. You’re not okay too, people just don’t see it. 

I feel like there is so much more to tell. But I feel like this is already a pretty long blogpost. There will be a part two for sure.

Thankyou for reading.

I wish you all the stars,

N

My life is UPSIDE DOWN

Finally being completely honest.

My life is not so pretty anymore, and I love it. I have noticed that over the past years I have been trying to get everything together. Be as aestheticly beautiful as can be, but that did NOT make me happy. Everywhere you find these ‘influencers’ who make you feel like crap, like you need to have everything together. But that is just not life.

Over the last few months I moved out of my parents house. I moved into a building with my best friend. We party a lot. My room is often a mess and focussing on school is hard. During these corona times I find myself struggling to keep up with work and school and I often find myself falling behind. 

I was dating someone, a really good guy. But I decided to break it off because I noticed that we didn’t really fit together. That hurt, it hurt really fucking bad. But it’s okay. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to not be okay. Love isn’t always going to work out. And I believe that every person you meet, leaves something for you to learn. Something that will help you grow. And for me that was the choice of going against my feelings and following my thoughts and knowledge. This is something people don’t talk about. Everyone tells you to follow your feelings, but no one ever tells you to stop and think about wtf you’re doing. I stopped, I thought and I figured out that we just didn’t understand eachother on a deeper level. And that I do want someone to understand me on that level. By taking my time to think, I could break things off before got hurt even more.

My routines are all over the place. Because I live with friends, every night is hang-out night. Which means I am definitely not waking up at 5am to drink lemon water and go for a run during the sunrise. NO. 

I am so much happier now that I’ve been letting go of all that toxic control. I finally feel free and happy to live my life. Life is messy and I have to embrace that happiness.

Now, understand me well. I do not mean that I want to slack on everything and live my life being a fucking mess. But I have learned to embrace the unexpected things in life, embrace that I don’t always feel okay and embrace the fact that it is okay for me to be happy right now in the moment instead of always wanting, working and waiting for better things. I am also not complaining here. I am just telling the honest truth about my life, because I am sick of living a lie. I want everyone who reads this to know the real me. The real me who wears dirty oversized T-shirts, the real me who loves putting her feelings into poetry, the real me who rips her tights every. single. day. The real me who had red wine stains all over her curtains and who can’t live without coffee and powernaps. 

This is the real me. Nice to meet you.

I wish you all the stars,

N

Stories of the subconscious mind: the beginning

read and find out the first story of the subconscious mind.

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When the new schoolyear rolls around, we all feel the pressure of the upcoming pressure building up. We can already feel the stress of next year weighting on us, without it actually being here. For me, this is also true. I woke up today feeling absolutely exhausted and drained, eventhough I just uploaded an article on how to have good sleep.. My subconscious is working its ass off and I notice it in my dreams. Whenever something is going on in my subconscious mind, I get very very vivid dreams. They are all very weird but easily to track back to my real life circumstances. When this happens, all of my energy that I am supposed to be gaining during my sleep, goes in to dreaming and I wake up exhausted.

“Whatever we plant in our subconscious mind and nourish with repetition and emotion will one day become reality.”

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This is what happend last night. In my dream I lived in a magical community with my family. And in that community everything was safe and no one could die. But at one point I had toleave the community to go to university. I had to move out and I got mortal. I felt out of place and when I went to university, everything was troubled. I couldn’t see clear and there was so much chaos that I paniced. Eventually I went back to the community for a competition that was held in the comunity. I teamed up with my brother and we had to solve all kinds of riddles and puzzlesin the middle of the jungle. Eventhough I was back at the comunity, I was still mortal. We were surrounded by tigers and I was so afraid. My brother didn’t care because he couldn’t die. And then we were saved by Tom Holland as spiderman.

Weird right.

large-5So I thought when I woke up. It has become a ritual of mine to recap my dreams right after I wake up so I can remember them better. But this one has been the weirdest, but also the most clear one in a long time. This one obviously stands for me going to uni next week, moving out next year and everything being unclear, unsure and just plain chaotic.

“Too many of us are not living our dreams, because we are living our fears.”

Now that I think about it, it might be interesting to start a dreamjournal series on this platform. Where whenever I have vivid dreams, I write them out for you and analyse them. I still have TONS of dreams written down.

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So, today I am taking it slow. I am very tired and I find it super hard to keep my mind straight and honestly get anything done. I really wanted to share this with you, because everyone has these days. I didn’t have an intention or a reason when I started writing this article. I just wanted to write, and that is okay.

In the beginning of May this year I had a really intens migraine attack. I don’t want to go into it too much but lets say it completely knocked me down. Ever since then I have been having these dreams. And since then I have started paying more attention to the subconscious mind.

This is a very all over the place article, but I hope you enjoyed it. If you ever have a weird or exciting dream, make sure to let me know because I am very interested in getting to know your dreams, believes and minds.

I wish you all the stars,

-N

The social war

my thoughts on the ongoing social war.

We made it through the discussion of the physical war. But I am not done, we still have got the social war to open our perspectives to. You have probably already seen it, heard it and probably even felt it a hundred times. The quotes “Be yourself” “Don’t compare yourself to people on social media” “Don’t be jealous, your succes will come in your own time” and eventhough we want to believe them, we’ve all shared an eyeroll or two when we hear yet another motivational speaker talk about it.

And yes, this too is a war. We all try to be better than the rest and we even like the competition, but only as long as we’re in the game. We’ve all felt jealous of that gorgeous Victoria’s Secret model, living in Bali and making money with wearing a coconut bikini. And because of that, we scroll through their pages, hoping to find a photo of her with a pimple, or with tanlines or whatever. And when we finally find that imperfection, we can’t f*king wait to comment it under her photo. How much would the social game change if we unanimously decided to get inspired by other people? If we stoped hoping for that bikinimodel to fail and started hoping for her to make it.

I KNOW, eyeroll, eyeroll, eyeroll. I am not trying to paint a perfect picture here. But how would you feel? If you see that pimple, and eventhough you feel jealous and want to point her imperfection out. If you instead would comment or send her a message about how inspiring you think she is, how you admire her lifestyle and if she maybe could give you some tips?

Because you won’t be focussing on the negative, eventhough your feelings may be negative, your actions are positive and so will you feel. AND if she does give you those tips, you may actually find yourself creating that life you’re dreaming about!

Focussing on the negative and jealousy, can really harm our mental health. You may not notice it right away, but through time you’ll see. I admit, I also tend to downtalk myself whenever I see someone who I FEEL LIKE is better than me. I put “i feel like” in capslock because this is not true. Just because someone has a fitter physique than me, does not mean that they are more worth, are a better person, or are less flawed, than me.

The next thing I wanted to talk about, is not just downtalking yourself TO yourself, but downtalking yourself towards others. This is something I notice all around me. In this day and age we are afraid to “try to hard” or let other people know we care too much. So, when we try something new, we are tempted to say “I am really bad at this” or “I will probably fail hahahaha.” But I actually don’t think it is that funny. You are allowed to feel confident and to trust yourself and your capabilities. Being proud at yourself does not make you a bitch and trying and failing does not make you weak. 

The social war is one everyone sees, meets and knows. But when are we starting to do something about it. Mental health is a serious issue and is just as important as your physical health. So, I hope you’ll think twice next time you start to doubt yourself because of someone elses fake reality.

I wish you all the stars,

N.

 

What we should really be scared about…

my thoughts on the real scares in this world.

Disclaimer: I respect everyones opinions and beliefs, this is my opinion and I don’t mean to provoke any harmful feelings.

It is no news that there are wars and deaths spreading over this world. Every night you watch the news, every time you check your phone, you’ll stumble onto some kind of war. Now, for me there are three kinds of wars:

  1. The physical war. The war between countries and people. The war where people are killed by one another.
  2. The social war. The war between who is better, who can show others the best that they are living the perfect life and who can make other people the worst about themselves.
  3. The individual war. The war you have with yourself on your way to becoming who you really are.

Now I will write about these wars in three separate articles. This article is about the first war, the physical war.

Lets talk about the physical war. People kill people. And why? Because of people. Now, if you would ask ANYONE, literally anyone, what their perfect world would look like. They would all say that they just want to be happy. Because that is all anyone wants. Now ofcourse there are a thousand different definitions of happy. One persons definition of happy is a lot of money and big cars, another persons definition of happy is a puppy or the smell of freshly cut grass. Ofcourse it is different. But we all crave for that feeling of joy, that feeling of fulfillment. But I wonder, why people think that they can find fulfillment in other peoples misery. 

A lot of people will call ‘hurters’ (this is how I call people who kill people) the word mental. Which I do not think is correct. People with mental disorders aren’t ‘hurters’ or ‘killers’, they are just weaker in that moment for the influence of the negativity of this world. I think that most of the ‘hurters’ are completely sane people, with just a different perspective on life. Now, do not think that I am defending them because I completely disagree with hurting people in any shape or form. But I am wondering about the reasoning behind it. Because we can protect and protect and protect the people who may get hurt, but if we never look behind the curtain to find the reason behind the hurting, than how will we ever prevent? But this is a topic for a whole other article.

And, lets not forget that even if we wouldn’t kill our own, a ton of people would still die. It is like a football-team scoring in their own goal. We are killing our own team.

Humanity has so much to fight for and fight against, and still we are decreasing our chances. Because that one person that was killed 2 seconds ago, could’ve been the one person to find out how we could live on another planet or how the universe exists.

One major life killer, actually the most dangerous animal of all, is an animal so small you’d laugh at it. But if the animal is in your room at night, it will stop you from falling asleep. You would be shaking from frustration and keep keep keep looking for it. And when you finally get the chance to catch a glimpse, you’ll know how small the chances are that you’ll catch it.

It is the mosquito.

The mosquito kills more people than people do. It also kills more people than sharks do in a century. Great leaders have suffered and died of malaria and yellow fever. And even I wouldn’t be writing this here and now, if my mother made the decision to get on a plain instead of staying in the hospital. My dad also suffered from malaria 12 times, and because of good medicine and healthcare he survived. Every two minutes a child dies from the bite of a mosquito, and I am not the only one who thinks this is too much.

This disease kills millions of people a year and instead of fighting the mosquito with all we have, we help it kill humanity. One thing you may not know, is that malaria is a disease that can be prevented. A disease that we as humans can erase from this world. So, this is why I am creating Bloody Good. We can stand tall and fight everything the world has against us, as long as we stand together.

Bloody Good is really starting now, so only a little more until we can finally launch. Stay tuned!

I will upload another article about the second war. The social war. Follow me on this blog and my social media to stay updated. 

I wish you all the stars,

N.